it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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