he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
