What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
