i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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