I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
