The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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