He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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