It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
