i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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