2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
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