So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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