On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
