If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
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