apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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