you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
