I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
