Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Jerry, you need to find god
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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