It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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