Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
