so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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