you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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