Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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