As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
PANTIES FOUND
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