Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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