God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
