I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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