well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I didn't notice because vodka
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
