Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
