I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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