My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
