I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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