OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
