i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
