The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
