The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
