is your mom at the bar?
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
