Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize