my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
