so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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