Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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