Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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