When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
