I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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