There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
