Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize