you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
