my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
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