i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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