Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize