Umm I'm too high to move.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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