Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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