I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize