She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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