Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
