Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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