I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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