We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
