Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
