She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
