Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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